The Plague

It appears that the plague is upon us! Just about everyone I know is deathly ill right now and I'm doing my best to avoid it. If you are currently sick, and are considering seeking medical attention, allow me to offer some advice: DO NOT GO TO THIS HOSPITAL

Appeared in a column by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., in the Journal of Court Reporting (REAL MEDICAL RECORDS)

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 lb weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
28. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
29. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
30. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
31. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
32. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
33. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in seperate directions early in December.
34. The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
35. I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.